Today's my 33rd birthday. Wanting a quiet and less stressful birthday, I wisely took the day off from work. My car's in the shop, so I can't go anywhere for a while, which bodes well for writing. But before writing, a bit of reflection.
I didn't really make any New Year's resolutions, except a general resolution to kick ass. But for my 33rd year, I'm tempted to set a few goals, such as:
Writing fearlessly. This is by far the most important one. Too often I hold myself back in my writing, and I shouldn't. My weird is what makes me interesting. It's also what makes my characters and plot interesting. I can't accept writing timidly, tiptoeing around or glossing over things. Although I hide it well, I'm pretty raw and edgy, and it needs to come through more in my writing. How will I know I'm writing more fearlessly? Because it just feels different. A good kind of different.
Self-control. Getting up at 5:30 AM to write has been really tough when it's 2 degrees outside, and the room where my desk is is freezing-ass cold. But it's a necessary evil. Thank goodness, winter won't last forever, so this is something that will get easier (and when it does, I want to maximize my time even more). I'm getting up and writing, but sometimes I'm slogging through it. I need to be better at getting the amount of sleep I need, limiting distractions, eating healthfully, and feeling okay with saying "no." I must not only treat writing as a huge priority, but treat my well-being as a huge priority, too.
Making peace. Something I'm constantly working on is trying to worry less about shit I can't control. This is the type of stuff that often distracts me when I'm trying to write. I also need to be okay with the things I've given up to write. For me, writing is extremely solitary, and I need a lot of quiet and order to focus. Because of this, I don't tend to do much socially, and there are friends I love dearly that I hardly ever talk to. The bottom line is, there are only 24 hours in a day. There are certain things I must do, like go to work, write, get a healthy amount of sleep and food, and spend time with the small handful of people who matter most to me. Because these musts eat up many hours of the day, I don't often have the time for friends and family that I used to have. It doesn't mean I like anyone any less, or want to talk or hang out with them any less, but it does mean that sometimes friendships are affected because of my inability to be as present as others need and want me to be. It's unfortunate, and I don't like it either. But I feel dead when I don't or can't write. My life is at its best--its most vibrant and lively--when I'm writing, and I need to keep it up no matter what. I have to do what's right for me. And if that's reaching out to people when I can and when I have time--instead of forcing myself to do this with a regularity that throws off my writing--then I have to learn to be okay with it.
Welcome to the year where I stop holding myself back. Let's see what I can really do.
